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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25868230">reflections</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrack/pseuds/shrack'>shrack</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>million verse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Glee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, but this time its blaine's pov! wow!, sometimes you just need to spend more time in your own au okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:40:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,780</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25868230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrack/pseuds/shrack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a particularly nostalgic mood, Blaine recounts some key moments of his and Sebastian's relationship before the relationship.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>million verse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>reflections</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The problem of writing in Sebastian's preferred POV? You don't get to spend time with Blaine! I wanted to touch on some of the things Blaine might've been thinking in my last work, so this is officially a verse that I am lovingly calling the Million verse so I can keep playing in my own canon and people don't get too lost. If you missed the big fic, "a million things that i could say to you", read that first!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Blaine’s been accused of having a one-track mind, but he didn’t take it to heart most of the time. Wrote it off as being determined to get a job done—competitions, schoolwork. He never really realized that it trickled into his personal life until he thought about Sebastian.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or, specifically, about how focused he was on his relationship with Kurt. It seemed, at the time, the only thing he was allowed to focus on. It’s why he transferred to McKinley, it’s why he tried so hard to make their relationship work over all those years. The proposal and going all out on it, moving out of the apartment in New York when things got rough. They were all just a part of the track that was so clearly labelled for his love life. At a certain point it was just simply how it was meant to be; he was in love with Kurt, and Kurt loved him, so they just had to end up together. There wasn’t time for considering other options. Or maybe he just wasn’t looking closely enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s another thing he’s been accused of, too: he’s oblivious. Sebastian pointed it out at some point during their friendship, that he just walks around, bright-eyed and eager, and people trip over themselves trying to make themselves available for Blaine. Not even romantically, either, Sebastian had to clarify, Blaine gets handed things and he doesn’t even really know why. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine thinks, however, that this is because of something much larger than not paying attention. He’s never had the most positive mental image—there are days where he’d much rather tuck himself into bed and never witness another mirror ever again. A stage was (and is) where he felt the most comfortable, so he tied his self-worth to performance. Kurt made him feel comfortable, so he tied his self-worth to Kurt, too. Which wasn’t healthy, and he knows that now. Learned it shortly after he and Kurt broke things off, from the therapist that Sebastian recommended, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(“Don’t you think it’s weird for Kristina to know about both of our lives?” Blaine had asked over the phone one night. Sebastian laughed and said, “Well, that’s her problem.”)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he didn’t realize Kurt had a crush on him back in Dalton, because Blaine figured he was guiding Kurt through a tough time in his life, and he had his eyes set elsewhere. (No matter how disastrous that </span>
  <em>
    <span>elsewhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> turned out to be.) He didn’t realize Tina had a crush on him, because Tina very well knew he was gay, and why would anyone have a crush on him, anyways? And, most embarrassingly, he didn’t realize Sebastian had a crush on him outside of a way to wedge himself between he and Kurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I mean, it might’ve started like that,” Sebastian explains over dinner, gesturing with his fork. “Or, no, I didn’t know he existed when we first met, but you told me when we got coffee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Blaine says slowly. “But I just figured you were trying to get into my head to get back at the New Directions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like this is a trap.” Sebastian squints his eyes at Blaine, who smiles back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God forbid you express emotions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastian leans over the table to stab his fork into one of the noodles on Blaine’s plate. “I found you attractive, for a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then you stopped,” Blaine interjects with a laugh, and Sebastian smirks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am no longer attracted to you, yes. But the more we talked, and the more I got to know </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>and not the caricature from the Warblers, I guess I did develop a ‘crush’ on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastian accentuates his statement with air quotes and a scrunch of his nose in disgust, but Blaine’s watching him fondly, still picking at the pasta in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So then things got...iffy, for a while,” Sebastian continues. “Moved on with varying levels of success. Then you come crawling back senior year, and I couldn’t get rid of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wonders if Sebastian means ‘getting rid of him’ literally—Blaine does remember one of the only fights they had pretty well. If he was being honest (which he wasn’t, not back then), he didn’t really know why he was still bothering to keep his and Sebastian’s friendship a secret. It would’ve been rather easy to explain away, just by telling Kurt that they had caught up and started texting every once in a while. But, then again, that only went so well in the past, so who knows how he would’ve reacted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, it was kind of nice having Sebastian to talk to, free from everyone else’s business. That’s not to say he’d be involved in their business if Blaine </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>said that they were friends again, because even now he tries to steer as far away from Rachel Berry as physically possible. But there would be no way he would remain unbiased, which was half of the appeal of Sebastian in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the night of June Dolloway’s showcase, which was a good night altogether. His friends had a blast, he got some hits from people in show business (that ended up not going anywhere), and it was the first time in a long time that he had gotten to see Sebastian in person. He was still engaged, then, which is almost humorous to think about now. Blaine wasn’t thrilled with only being able to chat with Sebastian for a minute or two—but his friends expected him, June expected him. A lot of expectations were on Blaine, and none of them included Sebastian. Which, he realized as he excused himself from their conversation, he really wished did include him, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rachel stormed up to him towards the end of the night, in the middle of a conversation he can’t remember with Kurt, anger painted all over her face. “Did you know Sebastian Smythe was here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kurt started getting all worked up before Blaine could get a word in edgewise, so he took the moment to look past them and at where he had left Sebastian a few minutes earlier. He’s always been pretty good at reading Sebastian, and even from a distance, he could tell Sebastian wasn’t happy. He was tense, even as he smiled and laughed with his father about something, probably Rachel. Blaine’s face fell a bit as he watched the two of them leave, and something in his chest felt heavy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...trusted him. He didn’t do anything, did he?” Kurt said, effectively pulling Blaine back into the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? No, no, he told me he was coming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friends all glared at him, incredulous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean ‘he told you’?” Kurt asked (or, rather, accused).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine shrugged. “We’ve been catching up, since we’re both in the city for school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And yeah, maybe that wasn’t the whole truth, but there were bigger fish to fry. There was an argument, followed by reassurance, topped off by some promise to Kurt that was probably along the lines of not letting Sebastian too close. He finds it funny, now, how much he remembers about his time with Sebastian versus how much he remembers of Kurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s because you tend to remember the good times, you know?” Blaine says, food finished. “So towards the end I just...don’t remember much of our relationship.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank god,” Sebastian scoffs. “The last thing I need is you comparing me to Lady Face.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine kicks at Sebastian under the table. “Tell me more about how you had a crush on me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, okay, now this is definitely a trap,” Sebastian laughs as he stands up to start the dishes. Blaine tries to grab his wrist to grapple with him, but Sebastian is too fast, and ends up escaping to the sink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. I’ll go.” Blaine gets up to follow Sebastian into the kitchen. “You know, when I was proposing to Kurt—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, no,” Sebastian interrupts, but Blaine rolls his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s on the list of banned topics, but hear me out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a pretty clear list,” Sebastian grumbles as he starts on the dishes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine sidles up to Sebastian’s side, leaning against the counter to talk to him. “During that, I said that my body knew that our hands were meant to hold each other before my brain did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastian scoffs. “Gross.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Listen</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Blaine pokes at Sebastian’s side to get him to stop what he’s doing and make eye contact. “I still believe that. But, when I think about it now, I think about how you grabbed my hand during ‘Uptown Girl’, and it all starts to make sense again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine watches as that soft smile sneaks onto Sebastian’s face, rare and reserved for Blaine and only Blaine. It still makes his heart flip happily, a gift that Sebastian always had, even while they were just friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just because I thought you were hot.” Blaine groans and shoves Sebastian’s shoulder, dismissing himself to the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have to ruin </span>
  <em>
    <span>every</span>
  </em>
  <span> moment?” he calls, and when he looks back over, Sebastian’s laughing to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastian joins him on the couch not ten minutes later, arm up to let Blaine wiggle his way into his side. There are silent routines they’ve created with each other that Blaine will never get over. It’s mundane in a way he never imagined Sebastian being, and the fact that it’s just for him...Blaine leans up to press a quick kiss to Sebastian’s jawline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So when’d you figure it out?” Sebastian asks, tracing circles into Blaine’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, that you liked me? You sure your ego can handle it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastian smiles. “I think I can take the hit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was after his and Kurt’s final break-up, definitely. Blaine wasn’t trying to put himself back out there—he wanted to put his head down and get his college work done, which ended up hurting his mental health more than it was distracting him from the sadness. So allowing himself to be upset was a necessary evil, a step that he had to take in order to finally, </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> stop feeling so awful about how everything went down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, like he always did, he called Sebastian. There weren't that many people he talked to about the break-up in full—Rachel disappeared into the ether, Sam is only good for emotional talks for so long, Tina would start comparing this to her and Mike's relationship faster than Blaine would ever want. Sebastian was a good listener, and when he wasn't pushing people away, there was some good advice in there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So Blaine ranted, and Sebastian listened, like he always did. They had figured out what worked best for them—Blaine gives the space for Sebastian to say no to his rants, even though he rarely does. It's what they fought over, it's unrealistic to expect Sebastian to be available every single time. But Sebastian rarely says no.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In fact, Sebastian this time let Blaine intrude on his personal life so he could get out of the house. It wasn't until then did he realize that Sebastian, more often than not, would drop everything just to hear Blaine talk, even if Sebastian didn't want to admit it. So Sebastian let him disrupt his late night rehearsal, tinker around on the piano, sidearm him into singing a duet, just to make him feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So it wasn't the singing," Sebastian teases, and Blaine hums.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well that certainly helped. I think that made me realize you cared about me, y'know?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because you didn't know that beforehand?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine makes an unhappy noise and sits up, turning his body to face Sebastian, who is watching him with an amused look. "No, that it was something more than that. Over all those years, that I could just call you and you'd pick up, no questions asked. I took it for granted, but none of my friends would do that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"They need to make more of an effort," Sebastian says with a smile. There's something embarrassed behind it, but Blaine will let it slide this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If I call Sam, I usually just get a voicemail of his latest impression. And then he'll call me back to ask what I thought of it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastian's eyebrows knit together and raise in confusion. "And you're still friends with him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine shrugs. "Do you want to know when I realized I had feelings for you or not?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm almost positive I know this one."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine had always been fascinated by Sebastian. When they first met, it was about how "out there" Sebastian was. Nobody in Ohio has interesting stories, not really. But he lived in France, and he went out to bars on the weekends, and he juggled lacrosse </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>the Warblers. He was handsome, to boot, and even an idiot for love like Blaine, who was dating Kurt at the time, couldn't ignore that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>("Damn right," Sebastian mutters, and Blaine smiles.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd always find himself looking. He wasn't supposed to look, but he found quickly that there was just something about Sebastian that made him </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t see each other a ton, but in the quiet spaces of their coffee meetings, Blaine would stare. He’d watch as Sebastian would furrow his brow as he focused on a question on his homework. If Sebastian looked at Kurt to tell him off, Blaine would stay on Sebastian, at the mischief painted all over his face. Later, on video calls, Blaine would find himself watching Sebastian more often than doing his own work. There was just something so fascinating about trying to understand Sebastian. It was a challenge that Blaine wanted to beat. A fascination he described away as just trying to be a closer friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, naturally, Blaine figures it out in the silence. Any emotions he had had prior to his break up were neatly compartmentalized into the back of Blaine’s brain, to deal with another day, or simply not at all. It was pretty simple to just blame his heart rising when Sebastian points a grin at him on just a thing that happens with your friends. Or the time he thought long and hard about Sebastian licking coffee off his thumb at one of their coffee meetings, well into the late hours of the night. Just normal friend things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before winter break, the two of them had agreed to escape their apartments in order to keep from going stir-crazy through finals. It had gotten pretty difficult to see each other, both of their schedules are demanding enough without the stress of exams and performances over them. Sebastian had suggested that Blaine get out of his apartment—never does he offer to come over, which Blaine doesn’t blame him for one bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They have a mutual coffee spot close to the subway station by Sebastian’s apartment, so they meet there. It was quiet as they both studied their respective materials; Sebastian was hunched over some economics that he had tried to explain in layman’s terms when Blaine got tired of staring at the conclusion of his essay. Blaine slammed his laptop triumphantly when he submitted that essay nearly two hours later, and Sebastian suggested they go back to his apartment to celebrate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blaine had made quick work of ordering Thai food from around the block, Sebastian settled on the couch to keep cramming for his exam the next day, and the two of them chatted idly as the night progressed. Some show that neither of them remember that Blaine </span>
  <em>
    <span>insisted </span>
  </em>
  <span>they give a try plays on Netflix, and they nearly finished it by the end of the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looked over during what he was pretty sure was the season finale, Sebastian’s sitting with his head in his hand, leaned on the arm of the couch. His eyes weren’t closed but they’re a bit squinty around the edges, like he gets when he starts getting tired, the textbook long forgotten on his lap. But he didn’t say anything, just continued watching the characters with names they don’t remember go about their lives. And it all just...made sense. Blaine wanted to bask in this silent domesticity for as long as he could. He wanted to tuck his nose into Sebastian’s hair and kiss the side of his head. His heart was loud in his ears, because maybe he had loved Sebastian a little bit this whole time, and it’s just finally caught up with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Sebastian says now, that same reserved smile back on his face, “that show sucked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It did,” Blaine agrees, settling back into Sebastian’s side. “But I think it was worth it.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My tumblr is shrack if anyone wants to talk about these things! I also am ready and open for prompts literally whenever.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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